Why you need to get your partner involved (after all, it took 2 to make the baby, right?)

FYI: I’m going to speak in generalizations here today.

Another FYI: I believe SO strongly that (when possible) parenting responsibilities need to be shared as close to 50/50 as parents can manage.   

Photo credit: Ali Lauren Photography

In my experience, in a female/male relationship, it is USUALLY moms handling the night-time responsibilities (yes I said USUALLY so there are of course always exceptions to this). Before you start hating on me for stereotyping or being sexist this is, again, in my experience as a sleep consultant; and there are usually reasons for moms handling the night-time responsibilities.

I don’t get calls from people who share the responsibilities 50/50, have children that do not rely on a sleep prop, and where everyone is sleeping peacefully through the night. No, I get calls from people who are generally at their wits end and just want to help their baby sleep through the night independently (so that they can also get a good sleep). There’s one thing all of these babies (or children) have in common, can you guess what it is?

They all rely on an external prop to go to sleep.

Want to know what the #1 sleeping prop is? Nursing.  

Guess who is basically useless in the nursing scenario? The parent that doesn’t, y’know, have the boobs. While mom is getting out of bed 6 times a night to nurse the baby back to sleep, dad can’t offer much so he stays in bed. If the baby relies solely on mom to fall asleep in all situations, dad might feel like he has nothing to offer. While this baby doesn’t actually need to eat 6 times a night, he/she believes they need mom to feed them in order to go back to sleep. Once you break that nursing/sleep association, dad can enter the scene and take over some of the responsibilities (by the way, one of the best and most effective ways to break that nursing/sleep association is to have dad take over).

Even if the sleeping prop isn’t nursing, it’s generally moms that are waking up with baby – USUALLY it is mom that is staying home with the babe while dad is going to work; USUALLY it is mom who feels more comfortable with the parenting responsibilities because she spends more time with the baby; USUALLY it is mom who dictates the schedule and how things should be done regarding the baby.

These scenarios can lead to some resentment or hostility from a sleep deprived mom who might feel like she’s doing more than her share, and some defensiveness from dad who feels like he has little control over the situation.

The good news? When you decide to sleep train, I get BOTH parents involved and let parents know that it actually can go better if dad takes the lead.

I giggle when there is silence on the other end of the phone when I say to parents “yep, now dad is going to be putting baby to bed” or “yep, now dad is going to be getting up with baby through the night”. The moms usually laugh and the dads don’t quite know what to say and likely wonder what they’ve gotten themselves into.

There are a few reasons why I believe it can sometimes go more smoothly when dads take the lead but the number one reason is because babies USUALLY don’t associate dad with falling asleep. In a nursing scenario, a baby knows that there is no option to get milk from dad so learning independent sleep skills generally happens more quickly. Even in a non-nursing scenario, mom is USUALLY the prop (bottle fed, rocking, bouncing, co-sleeping) so, again, baby tends to learn more quickly, when mom isn’t in the room, that they need to develop their own sleep skills. In my mind this is a win-win all around – mom gets a bit of a break and dad gets some quality time with babe, enabling him to feel more comfortable with parenting in general. Also, think about how nice it will be when your babe is sleeping by 7:30 and you have the rest of the evening to yourselves!